... Young love murder that is what this must be."

-"The Harold Song" Ke$ha

That is the song for the climax of the story...  

Here is how the story starts...

I met Vince Spring semester of my freshman year, January 2007. We had both just become Ambassadors for our University. I even wrote in my journal that day, January 28th, 2007, "...went to the Student Ambassador thing from 1pm-7pm. It was fun, there was a cute boy named Vince (who lives in Dan's hall) but I think he may have a girlfriend." He did have a girlfriend, so we just stayed Ambassador buddies and around November (October-ish) they broke up. Somehow I found out about it and started talking to him a lot online (mainly through facebook). Over Fall break we kept talking and decided to make plans for him to join my friends and me bowling. I remember my slyness (or lack thereof) when I invited him and slipped my number in there. I'm such a dork.

I remember going bowling, he picked me up and we bowled an extra game compared to everyone else. I also remember when he dropped me off, not even one minute later he sent me a text saying, "made you look." I thought he meant that he saw me look back when he drove off, but he meant that he made me look with that text message. Cutesie. He truly did/does make me happy.

Vince and I hung out about 6 out of 7 days a week for the remaining time in the semester. We looked good together (or so people told/still tell me). My text messaging went up a ton, I swear it had to be over 3000 texts. He was my first real college 'crush'. He met my best friends (in the state), and we were just great. There were so many times that I wanted to tell him that I liked him but I would always chicken out.

One day, we went into Old Town (the downtown part of the city my school is in). He came up with the idea to go to Old Town and get dinner. He told me to choose the restaurant, but of course, I couldn't make up my mind so he chose. It was pretty classy restaurant even though we had cheeseburgers. The funniest thing was that they placed us in a 5 person booth... we both just stared at eachother with funny looks and started to laugh. He was/is definitely great to me. So the waiter drops off the check and I go to reach for it, but Vince wouldn't let me take it. All I kept thinking was, "So is this a date then?" The best thing about being in Old Town in December for my first date of my life, was that in the winter season, the town puts the lights up. Not only was it lit up with all of the pretty lights, but it was actually gently snowing too. Perfect.

So, we get back to my place (I still lived in the Residence Halls because I was a Resident Assistant) and it was perfect timing because one of my best friends (Mallory) had just got back from her dinner with her... male friend? So we all decided to do something together. We ended up going to Kevin's (Mallory's male friend/date) to watch movies and hang out. We watched Beerfest and Garden State. Somewhere at the end of the first movie, Vince held my hand. Then we almost fell asleep at Kevin's. He was really one of the best things to happen to me.

A few nights later we were at my friend's apartment and we watched Shrek 3. We both fell asleep and Mallory was creepin' and said that we looked super cute. Well, we woke up and Vince had to leave, so while we were saying our goodbye's, we hugged for a long time and as we let go I just blurted out, "Vince, I like you!" and I gave him my shocked look. Then he laughed and said "Well, that's good... because I like you too!" Then he proceeded to tell me the part that makes this whole fairy tale turn into disaster, "but I have ex-girlfriend issues." We decided we would talk about it later and he left.

We kept hanging out and next thing we knew, it was the end of the semester. Still no words were said about the "ex-girlfriend issues" because we just liked to have fun together (note: what NOT to do). So the last day we were on campus we went to one of the dining halls for lunch. Then to his apartment and I was going to "help" him pack. I was no help, but more of a hinderance. He showed me magic/card tricks (and it was then I realized my true love for magic haha) and he played some guitar for me. He dropped me off at my place and we said our goodbye's.

That weekend, Mallory and I were at Kevin's house and we were having some drinks to celebrate the year and decided that when we were to her house, we were going to go to Casa Bonita! So I talked to Vince and he told me to call him and that he might be able to go. So the next day I called him and he was making Christmas cookies with his family (adorable). He came over after that (brough some cookies even!) and we all went to Casa Bonita where we ate, watched the shows, and played hide and seek. Vince and I against Mallory, Kevin, and our friend Rame. I had such a great time. Later we went back to Mallory's watched some funny videos and Vince had to leave because he was heading into the mountains. So I walked him out, we hugged, said goodbye, and Vince's last words to me were, "Don't worry." I'm still not sure what that meant.

So we continued conversations through texts and one day he texted me drunk saying, "Emily's here". Of course I tried to play it cool like I didn't know who Emily was so I asked and he replied, "my ex". The next day, he texted me and said that they realized they really missed eachother and they were getting back together. I won't deny it, I cried. I never realized how much I liked him until that moment when I actually cried over a boy. It bothered me, but part of me kinda expected it after the 'ex-girflriend issues' comment. I just kinda wish it hadn't happened.

He really taught me a lot about myself, so it seemed kind of okay. He made me realize that I didn't have to worry about being alone forever because people could like me. It was/still is a great feeling.

So I still worked with Vince a whole lot as an Ambassador. I will never forget the day that Mallory went to the informational session to apply to be an Ambassador. I went with her, and Vince and I had to answer questions together. She said that he kept looking at me as if he wanted reassurance that what he was saying was good. He would still text me a lot, but I would back off because I didn't want to be too attached to him. He's just hilarious and everyone loves to be around him (including me).

One time, when Vince and I were good, we had gone bowling and Vince didn't realize he needed gas. So his car died and we had to call his old roommate to get gas for him. So not only were we pretty late, but Vince told me not to tell anyone. So it was super hilarious to me. He always did embarrassing things and would tell me, "Wow, that was embarrassing." One time he was like, "Why do I always do embarrassing things around you but never seem to mind as much as I probably should?" Maybe that was his way of telling me that, 'maybe it's because I like you and you like me, so it doesn't matter'.

A little over 2 years later and still, Vince is in my life. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get over him. Last year, we were Student Coordinators together. Vince stood up for me to his girlfriend. I guess she hated me... That made little sense to me because she didn't know me. For me, I look at it this way; how can I hate her? 1.) I don't know her as a person. 2.) Sure, she was dating the guy I like, but to me, that just meant that she must be a good person because I would hope that Vince wouldn't be with someone who wasn't great.

I'm very different than many girls though. In this situation, most girls would be like her. They would be so jealous that of course you would think that they had to hate eachother. But I'm not your typical girl.

Spring 2010 was abotu to end and it was near finals week. I was done with my tests so we decided to go out and celebrate being done. Since most of my friends were graduating (not me though, I take my time!), and my friend had her birthday, we went to Old Town (after having a couple 'Beavers' at a local bar, of course). So when we got ourselves situated in Old Town, I decided to text Vince and see if he wanted to come and hang out with us. He actually did. It was weird but nice because all I ever wanted was for Vince and I to be able to be friends. So he came out, but about half an hour later, everyone was leaving. So i told my friends that I was going to stay and hang out with him since I asked him to come out. So we hung out and talked. Vince took me home and that was that.

The next day, I had gone to the liquor store with my friend, and Vince was there. He told me that Emily had gotten into grad school, so they were celebrating. I told him that was great and to tell her that I said 'Congratulations!'. Again, that was that.

I left for home the next day so I could get my 500 hours work experience. Vince graduated. Who knew what was next. Vince was going to spend his summer in a mountain town, being a ranger (yes, some would call him a 'Mountain Man' because of his beard), while I was in the 'Windy City'. Life went on... duh.

One day, I got a text from my friend Dani saying, "he's single!" I asked, "who?" and she answered, "Vince!" She saw it on Facebook, go figure. I had seen it recently too, but I actually wasn't sure if it just said it because Emily doesn't have one, or if he was actually single.

So, a couple days later, while we were talking through chat, I decided to ask him. So here it goes, "Is your status true?" "That I'm a badass? yep!" "No, your other status..." "That I'm single? Yep" "Oh, when did that happen?" "Over finals week" "Oh, I'm sorry" "Thanks".

It was true, but I didn't get my hopes up, because I don't want anything to happen like the last time. Not too big of a fan of getting hurt. We had been talking more in general since school had gotten out, which now made sense to me. We talked whenever we could over the summer, I even asked him if he wanted to go with me to my roommates wedding. He couldn't, but looking back on it, I'm glad I asked even though I still thinkg I shouldn't have since I knew he wasn't ready anyways. I just couldn't think of anyone else I would want to take with me.

We actually ended up going to 'lunch' that weekend though. He was up in Fort Collins. We didn't talk about things we should have talked about, but I enjoyed my time with him.

Soon I started to notice that I was the only one putting forth the effort. I was texting, I was asking to hang out, I was making time for him. So I started to realize that I needed to stop before my efforts hurt myself. So I stopped, other than the occassional video I would post on his wall or text about something funny. I stopped contacting him and started my process of getting over him. I tried to stop thinking about him and for the most part it worked.

Then one Thursday night, my friend Jerick had come up early for Homecoming Weekend, so we went to a local bar. Somehow Vince was brought up in a conversation and not even 5 minutes after we ended the conversation, my friend Jerick says, "Speak of the devil..." I look back and there was Vince. So I try to ignore him for the first couple minutes, but I decided to text him. First, of course, I tweeted "I'm trying to get over you, can't you leave me alone?" Then I text him asking how his conversation was and he asked "what?". Then I asked if he liked that man touching him (his friend was touching his back), to which he responded "Show yourself wench."

He soon found me. He came over with his friend. We takled a bit. Then I asked him to get me a drink and gave him a dollar (Thursday = $1 beer night). He handed me the dollar right back and still managed to get me a beer. It was nice of him.

He would walk away and come back, then walk away again and come back. At one point, he came over and put his arms around Jerick and I. He started rubbing my shoulder and so I looked over at his hand on Jerick's and he was not doing that to him. Then he started to rub my arm. Again, not doing it to Jerick. He killed me.

So, Vince decided he was going to close his tab, of course not without buying a couple more beers first. He told me to come with him to the bar. When we were up there, he was sitting on the bar stool and I was standing. He grabbed me and pulled me closer. Then he kissed my cheek. I looked away. He kissed my neck. I looked at him and said, "Vince" with that look that was like 'don't do this unless you really mean to do it', but a drunk mans words/actions are a sober man's thoughts... right?

He leaned in and we started to makeout. He killed me.

He then told me that we should go over to the stage (the bar has a stage that people just sit on since it gets pretty packed). I waited, he took my hand and led the way. Kill.

We sat on the edge of the stage, my legs over his, his hands on my legs. We started making out. His friend walked up, I think he was telling Vince that he was leaving, but he came up to me and grabbed my head and said "You're beautiful". It was so cute and nice of him to compliment me. He left and Vince and I started making out again. Two Ambassadors (that we knew were there, they were with me), came up to poke fun since they knew both of us. Not many Ambassadors, if any, knew about Vince and I back in the day...

They left us and we continued making out. At one point, Vince goes, "I want to makeout with you forever!". Then Vince says that we should go on the stage but further back, so he crawls over to this spot behind some speakers, knocks over my beer that he bought me (but it was okay because I didn't like the type he bought). I went over by him and again we made out. He had to go to the bathroom, so he left and right before he walked away, some more mutual friends came up. Vince left and while I was talking to them I get a text that says, "I ruv you p rease. Especially you liy meeeeeeooooowww." (All night he was ridiculous and kept saying meow.... ridiculous.) The first part of that message was cute and the second part, well... I have no clue what he meant.

So he came back, sat down on one of the chairs on the stage, and we continue kissing. Then he says, "do you want to see a trick I'm not too good at?" So of course my first thought is magic, so I say yes! and he reaches one arm around me and tries to undo my bra! So I slap his hand away and laugh hysterically.

All night, he just kept giving me kisses. Kill me.

So we finally get off the stage and go sit by everyone else. Vince forgot he closed his tab, so he went back to the bar. He came back, sat down, then drops his beer and the glass shatters. Of course this happens right before closing time.

I ask Vince if he needs a ride home, he does. So we leave and get to my car. I clean out the backseat so Vince has somewhere to sit. I let him in the car, and he kisses me. He insisted that we go to this place that was closed to get food, even though we kept telling him that it was closed. So I drove over there and showed him that they were closed. Then he told us to go to Pita Pit, which was across the street so it wasn't too bad of a deal. Vince got his food and I decided that I should get some gas before we run out. So we got gas and brough Vince to the place he was staying at. Jerick and I got out of the car to say goodbye and Vince hugged me, kissed me, then said he loved me. Ridiculous.

So the next day I ended up texting him to see if he remembered what happened. He said, "the pertinent things." Then I made fun of him for the whole ' I want to makeout with you forever' comment, to which he replied 'God damn it." I asked him what it all had meant and he just said 'I'm still an emotional shitshow from Emily and I, ya know." THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER! Whatevs. He told me that he is a 'general drunken jackass' and a 'moral paraplegic.'

So that was Friday... on Saturday however, we had our Homecoming football game. I saw one of the Ambassadors that had been there that night and she said something to me that surprised me. She told me that Vince told her that he liked/likes me. "I like Amanda" was his exact words. So that night, I had talked to him like normal. That whole week actually we had a pretty normal life. But Thursday came around again and I decided to ask him if he remembered what he had said to our friend.

Actually, before that he told me, "I apologize for my actions a week ago. I didn't mean to lead you on like that, and it's hard for me to walk the line with you because I feel like I inevitably flirt but I don't want to lead you on more than I already have. I know I've been a dick about this whole thing, I'm sorry. :-[". To which I responded, "Vince, you don't lead me on... that didn't make me like you anymore than I did before. It's just hard because all I want is to be friends with you. Be like normal people. If you can't be like that with me then just tell me. Because I feel like it's hard for you to be like that with me. Which I could understand."

Then I asked him if he remembered what he had told her. Of course he didn't. So I said, "Well, you told her that you like me. And I know that you're an emotional shitshow right now, but I believe it. I'm okay with just being firneds, trust me, I've dealt with it for 3 years. But I just want you to be up front about everything." Him: "I'm sorry it worked out this way,  I will do my best to be upfront." Me:"That's all I ever wanted really..." Then our conversation went normal. I talked to Mallory about it when I saw her and she still believes he likes me too. I'm sorry, but I definitely believe it.

Now, here we are. We talk, every once in awhile. I'm putting for the effort though. I think I might make him my New Year Resolution. By that I mean that come January 1st, I'm done if he hasn't made up his mind. All I want is a simple, 'I want to be with you, but right now I can't be'. Just something to actually tell me what he wants. But I'm not waiting around come the new year... it's just been too hard. But it will be a tough resolution to keep, that's for sure too.

... I don't know how this story ends yet.

I'll edit tomorrow if need be, phew. I used notes that I had wrote to myself, so if things seem like they don't make sense, keep in mind the time I may have wrote them at. Goodnight, world.  

I'm currently enrolled in a course called Ethnicity and the Media, mind you I'm a Construction Management major at my University, this is a "Core" class that I need to take in order to graduate someday. I'm a 1st year senior, I say this because I do plan on staying an extra year and a half because I did change my major... a couple times, but this is not why I'm writing today. I'm writing about this class, mainly about the woman who teaches it.

The first day of class we went over the syllabus, normal, definitely something almost all of my other classes did, but it was different. She put off the wrong vibe not only to me, but to a lot of people in the class(I know this because I asked people, friends, randoms...). I told myself to give her another chance, I expressed this issue with a past supervisor later that day and he asked me, "So are you going to drop it?" I looked at him like he was crazy, I'm not one to give up after one day. I told him I was going to give her another chance because some people are just nervous the first day. So it's about 12 weeks into the semester now and I'm still very frustrated with her. We just recently (maybe two days ago) started to talk about ethnicity, we mainly talked about gender and sexuality, which don't get me wrong I love but I didn't sign up for that class this time.

You would think that being in an Ethnic Studies course a professor would know better than to stereotype their students. But this doesn't seem to be the case for this professor. She's thrown me in a box, stuffed it tight with "packing peanuts", and is very much about to tie a bow on the top. These are the ways that she has stereotyped me (and other people in the class): She assumes we're all freshmen- the class is pretty much split in two between upperclassmen and underclassmen, I know this because she asked us the first day to raise our hands but obviously she didn't really care what we said... she assumes we're all from this state- I'm personally not, neither is one of my friends that sits right next to me, and some other people that I've made friends with throughout this process... she assumes that we're all Ethnic Studies majors- which as I mentioned before, I'm a Construction Management student with the yearning to learn about different cultures... she assumes that men only hold doors open for women because it makes them feel powerful- I open doors for people because it's polite, and I'm not a man... She assumes all women want to take the name of their husbands/significant others- I personally love my last name, but she doesn't care to know of the women who want to keep it...

Those are just some of the things that put me into my stereotyped box. The only task we have is to write a one page paper every other week about 2 of the articles from that week. She doesn't want us to use "I think" or "I feel" because and I quote her on this, "I don't care how you think or you feel"... In what world does that make sense for a teacher to not want to hear what you think about something especially because she does not want us to summarize the articles. One time in class, there was only 1 article to choose from in the readings for the week, so someone had asked her what we were to do in that case. Some of us thought that she had said that we would use that 1 article and the documentary we watched that week to write the paper, so that's what we did. We got the paper back and had nothing more than a "C" because we didn't use another article. We decided to bring this up to her, but she didn't want to hear it. She automatically went into defense mode and said that she never said that and that we should have read the syllabus. We went back that night and checked out the syllabus, it stated nothing about this. How is a student supposed to feel comfortable talking to their teacher if their teacher automatically starts yelling at them. All she had to say to us was "I'm sorry if I misled you, but..." I would have been more than happy to have a conversation to see if I could redo it, but I shut down.

It baffles me that a woman who has been teaching Ethnic Studies courses for at least 10 years, doesn't have the decency to get to know her students. Take the time to talk about what they're thinking about subjects, about who they are, what they have experienced... But "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", the best I'm hoping for is that when we get that evaluation sheet in the next couple of weeks, students take it seriously and tell her what she did good, what she did bad, and how she can improve. I don't think that this woman should be fired so I hope you don't misunderstand, I'm just wanting her to know that there are ways to improve what she is doing. Today I noticed that she actually does have passion for this stuff, but it's somewhere underneath all of that filth.

I've just noticed that it was raining outside, so I think I'm going to go. I really don't know what I meant by that, but it just works for me. So I'll leave again with another quote... "We take what we do seriously, but we don't take ourselves too seriously."